A Season- Part 1

I decided it's time to write about what has been going on in my life the last few months. It has been and continues to be a hard season of life right now. You see, God is teaching me so much and using me to help others even in the midst of my struggles. Let's start at the beginning.

Last summer Jarod and I decided it was time for me to go to my gynecologist and see what we could do about my monthly pain. I was having cramps every month that left me curled up on the floor crying.  I hurt so bad and needed to see what we could do. So I went and we decided to not go for a full on hysterectomy(though I will need one sometime b/c of other issues) b/c the recovery would be impossible with a 2yr. old. So we opted to do an ablation (frying the inside of the uterus) and also do a tubal at the same time.  It would cause me not to have a cycle and thus no pain. My hope was that it would buy me a few years till we can do a hysterectomy when Nat is in school.

I had the procedure done early October. It went great- no complications. I was in and home within just a few hours and had plenty of pain meds to keep me comfortable. Jarod was able to take a day off and then spend the weekend with me as well. We have awesome friends who brought us dinner and checked in on me, so recovery was going well. I had minimal pain and felt pretty good. A couple of days after the procedure on a Friday, I noticed that I would have little waves of anxiety and emotions. I could manage them and talk myself down. By Sunday, I had to leave church and come home b/c I couldn't stop crying. On Monday morning I called my gyno to seek help since I had just had the surgery. I was to where I had to pull over while driving b/c I was crying so hard I couldn't see. I was overwhelmed and could not calm down. I went in and saw the PA and she started me on Celexa, an anti-depressant, b/c she thought I was depressed from the surgery.  So I started that medicine, but it takes a month for that kind of medicine to get into your system and help.

My brother, Matt came down that day to spend a few days with us. Our kids had fall break that week so they had Wed- Fri off. I started to have panic attacks on Tuesday.  I had one at preschool, and thankfully Jarod was able to come downstairs from his office and comfort me.  Wednesday morning the major panic set in, and I was having waves of panic that would last 2 hours. I was panicing! I had never felt this kind of fear and desperation. I was shaking uncontrollably, crying, pacing for hours, and out of control! We had promised the kids we would go to the zoo, and Jarod thought it would be a good distraction for me. It was horrible! I had major panic attacks on the way, in the parking lot, and through the whole zoo. My brother had to stand with me in the parking lot while I curled up in a ball and just cried. I was scared. I felt like I was going insane. I did not want to feel this way! By that evening our friend, Brenda (the wife of one of the ministers on-staff) who is a counselor, came over to our house to help.  I couldn't sleep or eat or relax. Did I mention that I lost 11 pounds in less than a week b/c of all this? She talked to me and taught me some breathing techniques and brought me some Benadryl to help me sleep :-).

I slept some that night but woke up at 6 am with another major panic attack.  We called the doctor to ask if it was possible if this was from the surgery or if my hormones had some how gotten out of whack. They pretty much said no and that was that. So Jarod decided to take me to the urgent care and get me some help. We went. It was horrible in the waiting room. I had to pace back and forth and have Jarod coach me through breathing. I hadn't slept much in 3 days and looked exhausted and at my wits end. The doctor was wonderful and listened! He prescribed Ativan for my anxiety and panic attacks. Then he recommended following up with a female doctor there who specializes in working with women and their hormones. That medicine is amazing! We got home and took a pill, and I took the most glorious 4 hour nap.  It helped me to get some control and be functional again!

I started counseling with Brenda, kept up with my meds, and followed up with that doctor. In the next blog I will tell you of the next 3 months where I am living with panic attacks and anxiety and depression, and I will tell you how faithful God is through it all.