A Season Part 2

So finally I am writing this post :). I had to find a day that I could write about the anxiety and panic attacks because some days I just don't want to talk about it. If I am struggling mentally, the last thing I want to do is discuss it. Though sometimes I need to. So here we are.  How has my life changed? Well for starters, I go to counseling. Brenda, whom I told you about in my last post, started counseling with me back in October. We met every week until December, and now we meet just here and there. She has been amazing, and my love for her has grown so much from this! She has challenged, encouraged, and taught me through the last five months. She has given me skills to get from not functional to laughing and smiling again.  I am forever grateful for her and the relationship we have.

I also have started running. Running is a great way to get extra adrenaline out of your body which is what panic attacks are made of. Your body senses a threat, rather perceived or real, and has a flight or fight reaction resulting in panic. I began back in October before the surgery just to get in shape, but it has turned into a huge part of my functioning. It gives me 30 minutes of not having to think and just run. It burns adrenaline and calms my body, and it produces good endorphins. I'm not very fast- in fact I'm pretty slow :). I have a goal to run a 5K this spring, and then I will see from there.

Medicine is part of my life now too. I don't like to be on medications, but now its an everyday thing. I was on an anti-depressant but came off because it didn't sit well with my stomach.  I am on hormones now because I had low estrogen and progesterone. I also have the Ativan that just quiets my mind. I don't take it very often because it is addictive, but if I'm having an extremely bad day, I can take one and still have a good day. I always tell Jarod when I take one so I have some accountability.  I am deciding right now to go on another anti-depressant/anxiety med. I just don't like being on medicine that is so difficult to come off. Praying for wisdom on that.

I have also done other lifestyle changes: reduced amount of caffeine I intake, watched my diet, acquired coping skills, and try to relax more. The biggest thing that was affected was my faith. I used to think people with depression or anxiety disorders just didn't trust God enough or should just focus on happy things. Oh how naive! I know my faith is strong, and yet I questioned God and even felt like He was a thousand miles away. I had many people praying for me and interceding for me to God when I just couldn't. You have to remember that I was not functional, so it was very difficult for me to think that God had a plan. I look back and see that God was with me, even in the dark moments when my thoughts went to things I never thought I'd think. It is a medical thing not a spiritual thing.

His people prayed and carried me through it and still are. My love for the church has multiplied! People hugged me, cried with me, provided meals, babysat, sent me scripture, and loved me every day! I can't imagine getting through life without God's people. I am also very thankful to work at the preschool at church and find nothing but love and encouragement there. They are the hands and feet of God.

I have learned that God can use us when we are weak. I have been able to help a friend here who is going through severe depression. We're talking depression that got very scary for a while. I was able to talk with her and encourage, set up meals, and watch her boy even while struggling myself. God can take the weak and use us for great things. It has been very humbling!

I also am learning to trust God's sovereignty. I want to completely trust in His plan for me and face it without fear. I am not there yet, but it is something that I am seeking and praying for. I still have days, probably 4-5 a week, that I struggle. I still work and take care of the kids, but its all done with a feeling of doom coming. We are trying to figure out a couple health things for me, so when I don't feel good, it sets off my anxiety. I struggle with fully feeling joy and enjoying things. It is something else I am praying about and working on. I am thankful for the good days and good moments, and I am thankful for every day God gives. He has given me a beautiful life- more than I could ever deserve. I want to live my life in a way that honors Him, even if it means having this burden and using it for Him.

So to end, one thing that has been really helpful is music. We sing a song at church called "My Hope"  by Paul Baloche. It has been a song that I turn to and every-time we sing it in church, I bawl my eyes out. I leave this post with the lyrics from the song:

"Nothing will change if all the plans I made go wrong.
Your love stays the same, your light will guide me through it all.
 I'm hanging on, I'm leaning into you.

Nothing can reach the end of all your faithfulness
Your grace is with me through every shadow every test
I'm hanging on , I'm leaning into you

I don't know where You'll take me
But I know you're always good

Chorus:
My hope is built on nothing less than your great love your righteousness
I will not walk another way
I trust your heart, I trust your name
I'm holding on, I'm holding onto you

You are my rock when storms are raging all around
You shelter me God
I'm safe with you on solid ground
I'm hanging on, I'm leaning into you

I don't know where you'll take me
But I know you're always good

Chorus

A Season- Part 1

I decided it's time to write about what has been going on in my life the last few months. It has been and continues to be a hard season of life right now. You see, God is teaching me so much and using me to help others even in the midst of my struggles. Let's start at the beginning.

Last summer Jarod and I decided it was time for me to go to my gynecologist and see what we could do about my monthly pain. I was having cramps every month that left me curled up on the floor crying.  I hurt so bad and needed to see what we could do. So I went and we decided to not go for a full on hysterectomy(though I will need one sometime b/c of other issues) b/c the recovery would be impossible with a 2yr. old. So we opted to do an ablation (frying the inside of the uterus) and also do a tubal at the same time.  It would cause me not to have a cycle and thus no pain. My hope was that it would buy me a few years till we can do a hysterectomy when Nat is in school.

I had the procedure done early October. It went great- no complications. I was in and home within just a few hours and had plenty of pain meds to keep me comfortable. Jarod was able to take a day off and then spend the weekend with me as well. We have awesome friends who brought us dinner and checked in on me, so recovery was going well. I had minimal pain and felt pretty good. A couple of days after the procedure on a Friday, I noticed that I would have little waves of anxiety and emotions. I could manage them and talk myself down. By Sunday, I had to leave church and come home b/c I couldn't stop crying. On Monday morning I called my gyno to seek help since I had just had the surgery. I was to where I had to pull over while driving b/c I was crying so hard I couldn't see. I was overwhelmed and could not calm down. I went in and saw the PA and she started me on Celexa, an anti-depressant, b/c she thought I was depressed from the surgery.  So I started that medicine, but it takes a month for that kind of medicine to get into your system and help.

My brother, Matt came down that day to spend a few days with us. Our kids had fall break that week so they had Wed- Fri off. I started to have panic attacks on Tuesday.  I had one at preschool, and thankfully Jarod was able to come downstairs from his office and comfort me.  Wednesday morning the major panic set in, and I was having waves of panic that would last 2 hours. I was panicing! I had never felt this kind of fear and desperation. I was shaking uncontrollably, crying, pacing for hours, and out of control! We had promised the kids we would go to the zoo, and Jarod thought it would be a good distraction for me. It was horrible! I had major panic attacks on the way, in the parking lot, and through the whole zoo. My brother had to stand with me in the parking lot while I curled up in a ball and just cried. I was scared. I felt like I was going insane. I did not want to feel this way! By that evening our friend, Brenda (the wife of one of the ministers on-staff) who is a counselor, came over to our house to help.  I couldn't sleep or eat or relax. Did I mention that I lost 11 pounds in less than a week b/c of all this? She talked to me and taught me some breathing techniques and brought me some Benadryl to help me sleep :-).

I slept some that night but woke up at 6 am with another major panic attack.  We called the doctor to ask if it was possible if this was from the surgery or if my hormones had some how gotten out of whack. They pretty much said no and that was that. So Jarod decided to take me to the urgent care and get me some help. We went. It was horrible in the waiting room. I had to pace back and forth and have Jarod coach me through breathing. I hadn't slept much in 3 days and looked exhausted and at my wits end. The doctor was wonderful and listened! He prescribed Ativan for my anxiety and panic attacks. Then he recommended following up with a female doctor there who specializes in working with women and their hormones. That medicine is amazing! We got home and took a pill, and I took the most glorious 4 hour nap.  It helped me to get some control and be functional again!

I started counseling with Brenda, kept up with my meds, and followed up with that doctor. In the next blog I will tell you of the next 3 months where I am living with panic attacks and anxiety and depression, and I will tell you how faithful God is through it all.