Coming out of it....

I'm not sure how to write this blog entry. I want to be real and authentic and so part of that is admitting when things are tough. I feel I'm coming out of what I want to share, so I have a better perspective now. After Nathaniel was born, I really struggled with postpartum. I could only describe it as a cloud over my head where I didn't enjoy anything. I had no ill feelings toward Nat or myself, but it was just a constant overwhelming feeling. I couldn't handle things if they didn't go the way I thought it should, or I got angry at Jarod for no reason. I cried a lot, felt sad a lot, and just wanted to sleep. It was very difficult to want to be around people and to pretend like everything was okay. It was very dark and lonely.

Jarod noticed but not to the extreme that I felt inside. He just noticed that I didn't enjoy anything. I felt guilty for feeling this way. I had this beautiful baby boy and amazing family that I've always dreamed of. I knew where God had brought me in my life, yet I still felt blah. I finally caved and talked to Jarod one day about how I was feeling, and it brought some relief to tell him. I also talked to a couple women from church and to my sister. It was comforting to know I wasn't alone in feeling like this and to also not have it blown off as just "hormones." I talked to my doctor at my 6 week check and got prescribed Zoloft. I didn't ever take the pills b/c the list of side-effects seemed worse than how I was feeling :-).

During this I didn't feel like going to church. I just felt so blah that I didn't "feel like" going and worshiping. Yet I knew that is exactly what I needed. I sang when I didn't feel like it; I prayed when I didn't have the words; and I listened for God when I didn't want to listen. It opened my eyes to loving God even when we absolutely don't feel like it because it is not about us. It's all about God. Loving and worshiping Him simply because He loves us so extravagantly! There is a new Chris Tomlin song out called "I lift my hands." It's all about raising your hands and worshiping God in the midst of your struggles. It perfectly describes how I felt during that time. The chorus says:

"I Lift my hands to believe again.
You are my refuge you are my strength
As I pour out my heart these things I remember
You are faithful God forever."

Through opening up to others and to God about my heart and how I felt, I began to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I began to have better days and better moments. Now I feel back to my normal self and do enjoy things- simple things too- and smile a real smile. I'm thankful to be out of that season and into a season of enjoying my family. So sorry for the distance to some and to others may it be an encouragement to keep living the faith and worshiping in the midst of our struggles.